I’m a completely different person than who I was 5 months ago, and I’ve changed for the better. God, in all his love and mercy, took me out of the dark places I was in and brought me into the joy and light of His salvation.
Before DTS (Discipleship Training School), I knew of God, but I never really knew God. My dad is a pastor, so I’d pretend to be a Christian in public, but in private, I was severely depressed, anxious, and filled with self-hatred and fear. I was stuck in a cycle of dwelling in sins and evil and shunning goodness and light. And I felt like my life was worthless.
There was one day near the beginning of the year where I was in a really bad mental space. I was filled with this alien desire to stab myself in the side, and I truly thought I’d do it, so I locked myself in my room so I wouldn’t do anything. As I lay sobbing on my bed, I remembered what my Dad had said about Jesus never leaving us, and always being there if we cried out to him. So in my desperation, I cried out to the Lord and begged Him to change my life. He heard me, and He delivered me. And In that moment I was filled with supernatural peace.
He told me to go to Korea and do a DTS. I knew that this was my chance to have God remove my blindness and to see the world and my life how God meant me to see them.
As soon as I said, “Yes, I’ll go, God,” things started happening. At first, I wasn’t sure if I would be able to go to DTS because I didn’t have the money, but within a couple of weeks I was fully funded!
Going to DTS in Korea was quite shocking, and came with a new set of challenges, as I was the only American and the only one who could not speak Korean on our team. But within the first week, I could already start to feel God’s presence and know His love for me. I was thrown into His grace and joy and love. God was finally becoming real to me.
The first half of DTS was the lecture phase. This was really a time for me to let go of my expectations about God, and instead embrace the truth of who He is, and who I am through Him. I slowly felt the scales falling from my eyes. Learning about His father’s heart for me was really foundational for me to accept Him into my heart, and accept His love. He told me that He just wants to hold me close and bring me deeper into His love! I felt His spirit rejoicing and singing over me, and I knew I was in the right place.
Little by little, lecture by lecture I began to let go of my old self, and learn to cling to God’s goodness. I had fully believed all the lies the world had been saying about me, (that I wasn’t pretty enough, smart enough, important enough, etc.) But through this time I realized I had to let go of those lies, and trust that what God says is true. Apart from God, anything I try to do or become will never truly satisfy me.
I was really challenged to let go of my destructive idols: my desire to be perfect and to have control. God spoke to me to base my identity only on His truth, and that’s when I finally began to feel comfortable and secure, knowing my life and my identity is in HIM and Him alone.
Taking the time to lay down all distractions and focus on learning about God and seeking to encounter Him and know His will was really beautiful and healing for me.
Then our DTS team went on Outreach to Mongolia and around South Korea! What started as a time of mourning for me (as my roommate and best friend left our team and went home and another student abruptly left) quickly became a time of really relying on God and learning to worship Him with all my heart, and stand strong against attacks from the enemy!
During my time in Mongolia, I really had to learn how to put God’s will and plans above my own, and work on serving others before myself. It was a really humbling experience. I was amazed to see how faithful God is when we answer Him in obedience. Everything we do is really through Him, and only possible by Him. Mongolia really helped me understand how God really deserves ALL the glory. For in Him all things are possible, but apart from Him, we can do nothing.
After we came back to finish outreach in Korea, we went to the Korean House of Prayer in Seoul, and God really began to speak to me about who He created me to be, and my calling as a worshipper. I was filled with a deep desire for Jesus to return and save this broken world and to usher in his coming by singing new songs of praise to Him.
The rest of our outreach we focused on doing house of prayer and serving as intercessors and worshippers for the churches and cities that we visited. I had to really press into God, and learn how to truly worship Him in spirit and in truth regardless of the situation. We were constantly moving around and doing things, so we really had to rely on God’s strength for our worship, and that’s really when we felt true praise going up to Him.
As God has been slowly revealing himself to me and for the first time, I’m beginning to feel his love through the scriptures. He has shown me just a little sliver of his heart during my prayer and meditation, and each time I have just wept for love of Him and yearning for His coming. During outreach, I fell deeper and deeper in love with Jesus. I want to know Him and love Him with all I am. And I want the world to know His love and peace and joy.
Before DTS I was truly lost in the world, trapped by fear and sin, but now, I feel the freedom of being a daughter of Christ! He has traded my sorrows for joy and given me a beautiful headdress instead of ashes. I once was lost but now I’m found. Was blind but now I see.
~Hope Starr, 성소망
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